Get with The Programme, and build a few gates

I need space. I do, really. Lots. And not just because I am big. Sometimes the advise and the criticism is a pain. I wish I could start an empathy programme for people who give advise to Us.

What would that program entail?

I would strap on weighing bags onto these people around their hips, thighs, arms, waists that would simulate the manner in weight is carried on the body. In this 'weighed on' manner they would have to live their everyday lives for a week. In that time, they will have to go shopping, and find clothes that fit them, and also shop for food just like one of Us. And I would factor in an energetic child, whom they will have to attend to as well as the housework. After all this, they will have to work in the two hours of exercise needed for someone of our size to lose wieght in any meaningful sense.

Go on. Do it for a week. Live life on our side of the fence and see how things are. You will find that standing at the fence and giving advice will be a little more difficult for you, morally. Because unlike you, our 'programme' is a little longer term than a week. It is more like months, years, and decades. And unlike you , our programme has other variables like humiliation and judgement factored in too. Along with assumptions of stupidity.

So be gentle next time, ok? Don't stand at the fence, apply that stellar mind of yours and build a few gates, hmm?

Whoa! I am back!

Its been a while. I haven't managed to post a single post since my first almost unread one. Its not the way blogging is supposed to be and I am sorry.

In the mean time I have attended a wedding in the family, and it was quite something. For one, it was a GREAT Indian wedding. Which means there was half a week of revelry, meeting people most of whom you don't like, and all of who judge you, as well as sinfully fattening foods: deep fried stuff, and sinful desserts. So there you have it! It happened to good ol' me. For most part, I was really busy attending to stuff as this was my younger sister's wedding and I was family. So I barely had time to enjoy most of the wedding. And I also did not get to binge, which is fortunate indeed.

However, seeing the reaction of people to my exalted size status was a veritable eye opener. One aunt broke down in concern as she was convinced I would die before my time (She had a point).

Then there was the priest who had come to marry my sister. (He was attached to a temple where our family is particular to worship, and he is a wise kind of man, who lays a lot of emphasis on the spirit of the ceremony rather than empty rituals.) Poor man was aghast to see me all bloated. He kept telling me to go for walks to increase my exercise. He has married me too, and he kept saying that he wanted me to get better the next time he came to perform a puja at my parents' home.

And of course there were all the bitchy people who made their points in their own snide ways. Water off a duck's back to me really.

What concerned me was this. I knew that there was a point to all that. And everyone was tiptoeing around me like I was dead already. Not one person asked me how I was doing, really. To most people, no other aspect of my persoality presented itself apart from my 'big'ness.

And I am more than that. I am a reasonably competent mother and wife. I am a well networked person in the family circle. We have been travelling so much, and very few people asked me about the places I had seen, the people there and so it struck me.

I was just a person with a medical condition. It was just a matter of time for me. So I made up my mind. I was going to reclaim my life from the throes of nonself pity and self pity and I would return. Whoa! I am back!

Ow! My Back!!

My back hurts. Really bad. And not just because it is overstrained because of my weight but because I twisted myself into knots trying to sit in an airline seat. Anyone who is 'big' knows the agony of air travel like no one else. You see, I am not yet of the size when I have to purchase two tickets, and hopefully I will avoid that expensive calamity. So I fit into an airline seat. Very very snugly. As a result, I often end up calling the crew, or switching on the reading light everytime I move (since I end up pressing against the buttons placed in the hand rest). I also often end up plugging my headphones to the adjacent seat and watching the in on my movie screen (if by some miracle it is working).

I eat my airline meal at an angle because the tray table never sits flat over my thick legs. That is ok for most part, but it is difficult if you have to manage a beverage, an active child in the seat next to you, as well as a tilted tray.

Then of course there is the problem of the seat belt. In some airlines, I am comfortable enough with the seat belt size. But some airlines do require me to ask for an extension belt. It is a rather humiliating experience and every time I do it, it doesnt help that the crew member who hands it to you is an advertisement for staying in shape.

For most part, I am also pretty used to the edges of the seat digging into my sides. It really hurts and the circulation stops there on long flights. It is a funny feeling when I land and get into terminal buildings. Because my sides feel heavy, as the circulation starts getting back. So I feel like I am walkign with sandbags attached to my sides. Picture that and you will see how funny it feels.

This time I discovered another trap that was designed tohumiliate BIG people. They had these fashionable juice bars peppering the new terminal building at Dubai. I was really thirsty and thought fresh juice would be a really healthy way to snack. Then came the humiliation! They had bar stools and everytime I tried to climb on, it slid away! Then I finally managed to climb on and the silly thing just sunk ..adjusting to my weight. And after al that shenanigan I looked up to see an European lady looking at me with a puzzled expression. I guess she thought I was some village bumpkin who never sat on a bar stool before. No madam! I was an overweight person trying to climb into a seat that was designed mainly for people of perfect weight-height combinations. I finished my juice and as I was walking towards the gate some two hours later I saw a hapless middle aged business traveller of portly proportions with a similar problem and I smiled. I guess we all have a problem in some form or other, and mine wasn't unique!

But the next time you travel and see someone like me, don't just judge that hey are big. Try and see how much trouble it is for them to do what you are doing. Remember, we get tired and irritated too, because travellign isnt what it used to be. And then we have our other problems as well. And after all the weird positions and gymnastics we have to do, our backs really hurt. So smile as you pass us- with warmth. It would make our day.

I wake up in the morning and I look outside

Early morning. A little hazy still. "Yell!" OK. Quick thud back to earth, scramble to climb out of bed to get Dawn's (my daughter) bottle ready....YAAGH. Shooting pain knifes through left foot and ensures that I feel very awake instantly..another day has begun..

Hobble over to kitchen to prepare the bottle. Pour milk, pop in microwave. Hobble back. Give Dawn the bottle. And then walk in to brush. Look at self in mirror. You know how it is with mornings? You look in to see a really haggard and sleep ravaged face look back at you? Horrible state of hair, wierd state of eyes, and that’s just the face. If you’re normal, you didn't have to look at miles and miles of yourself stretched across the mirror.

I hate mornings. Primarily because I often have to wake up after an insanely less amount of sleep, but also because it is the one time in the day when I actually end up looking in the mirror and I am not mentally alert to fight the impulse to cringe.

You see, I am what is politely referred to as 'big' these days, but what is less politely known as plain and simple fat. Its a three letter word. A small one. Oh! But this is one word that is accompanied by a lot of assumptions, and baggage. Fat.

The word conjures up with it an image...it may be different things to different people, but no image conjured up by that word is pretty. In fact the only positive connotation of that word probably comes when it is suffixed by financial terms like 'salary' or 'paycheck'- both inanimate things. Nothing living and fat can be pleasant. Be honest. You know I am right.

Living life 'big' is not easy. Yeah yeah. I can certainly do something about it. (Before you sermonise, do you honestly believe most of us don’t try?). As I was saying, it isn’t easy. There are some common companions- pain (physical), judgment (by others, constant) and guilt. Apart from feeling like total pariahs in places like stores that sell nice clothes, public places...anywhere outside the four walls of your private space, and it isn’t as if you are spared all even there...

I am not writing this in a surge of self pity or any such thing. I just thought I would take this opportunity to talk about something that is a 'huge' part of my life, no pun intended. I don’t pity myself...I understand there is something wrong, and I know my limitations because of my condition. I have been 'big' for a while now and trust me it is too much of a way of life for me now. I can laugh at myself and others in relation to this... It’s not as if this is changing anytime soon. (I am currently on my nth attempt to lose weight).

People are either ‘big’ or 'not'. In these two very broad categories, there are infinite number of variances and all the shades of humanity come through. But if ever a ‘not’ type is pleasant in their inter personal relationship with a ‘big’, they will invariably shell out advice. I some times feel like asking my nth advisor, (not because I hate them, or disagree with what they say).. “And you know all this because you live life ‘big’ everyday, or did you just read it somewhere? Because I do happen to read extensively about all this and I know one thing…your amazing solution isn’t going to work in the long run and I will just have spent another three months living like a maniac…”

I know this because I have had a wide experience in this thing. I have done the usual stuff like no carbs, high protein diets; I have worked out and lost weight; I have joined 3 insanely expensive weight management programmes that sell you the complete package to lose weight and in reality only end up sucking you dry of self esteem, energy and money; I have done yoga consistently and also done special breathing exercises called pranayama and in varying degrees they all work. For then. And then we hit rock bottom again. I have seen a lot of doctors about this thing. Was a time when everyone I met was convinced I had a thyroid malfunction. Everyone except the doctor, that is. And so it goes on and on.

But living with the problem is as troublesome as trying to get rid of it. People say it is a question of wanting to change. Really? Just that? Wow! So that’s why I haven’t managed to nail it in the past. I get it. 8 years of trying in different ways. Probably didn’t want it, huh?

And the irony is rampant in our lives. Have you ever been to a restaurant and tried to order food? I have. It is to me that the waiter addresses questions like “Would you like something else?” “Will that be all?” and “How about some of our wonderful desserts?” You moron!! You are not helping!! Have you tried to help yourself at a buffet table? I often have people come up to me and say things like “Are you sure that’s all you want to have?”. Yes I am sure. Just because I am huge it doesn’t mean I can eat the equivalent of my weight in food at every meal, ok?

And so when I wake up in the morning and look outside, I wonder, what will be new today? In what way will I be amused people’s reaction to me? What new humiliation lies in wait today? Will it be just another day, or will someone else talk to me about the new revolutionary diet? Will I meet someone today who can see it from my side? Will today be the day I get through to my family and friends? And then I finish the reverie, shrug and smile- “Not bloody likely!” but while we are at it, let’s find it in our hearts to smile and laugh, eh? So what if we only do it at ourselves? Ha ha!