I wake up in the morning and I look outside

Early morning. A little hazy still. "Yell!" OK. Quick thud back to earth, scramble to climb out of bed to get Dawn's (my daughter) bottle ready....YAAGH. Shooting pain knifes through left foot and ensures that I feel very awake instantly..another day has begun..

Hobble over to kitchen to prepare the bottle. Pour milk, pop in microwave. Hobble back. Give Dawn the bottle. And then walk in to brush. Look at self in mirror. You know how it is with mornings? You look in to see a really haggard and sleep ravaged face look back at you? Horrible state of hair, wierd state of eyes, and that’s just the face. If you’re normal, you didn't have to look at miles and miles of yourself stretched across the mirror.

I hate mornings. Primarily because I often have to wake up after an insanely less amount of sleep, but also because it is the one time in the day when I actually end up looking in the mirror and I am not mentally alert to fight the impulse to cringe.

You see, I am what is politely referred to as 'big' these days, but what is less politely known as plain and simple fat. Its a three letter word. A small one. Oh! But this is one word that is accompanied by a lot of assumptions, and baggage. Fat.

The word conjures up with it an image...it may be different things to different people, but no image conjured up by that word is pretty. In fact the only positive connotation of that word probably comes when it is suffixed by financial terms like 'salary' or 'paycheck'- both inanimate things. Nothing living and fat can be pleasant. Be honest. You know I am right.

Living life 'big' is not easy. Yeah yeah. I can certainly do something about it. (Before you sermonise, do you honestly believe most of us don’t try?). As I was saying, it isn’t easy. There are some common companions- pain (physical), judgment (by others, constant) and guilt. Apart from feeling like total pariahs in places like stores that sell nice clothes, public places...anywhere outside the four walls of your private space, and it isn’t as if you are spared all even there...

I am not writing this in a surge of self pity or any such thing. I just thought I would take this opportunity to talk about something that is a 'huge' part of my life, no pun intended. I don’t pity myself...I understand there is something wrong, and I know my limitations because of my condition. I have been 'big' for a while now and trust me it is too much of a way of life for me now. I can laugh at myself and others in relation to this... It’s not as if this is changing anytime soon. (I am currently on my nth attempt to lose weight).

People are either ‘big’ or 'not'. In these two very broad categories, there are infinite number of variances and all the shades of humanity come through. But if ever a ‘not’ type is pleasant in their inter personal relationship with a ‘big’, they will invariably shell out advice. I some times feel like asking my nth advisor, (not because I hate them, or disagree with what they say).. “And you know all this because you live life ‘big’ everyday, or did you just read it somewhere? Because I do happen to read extensively about all this and I know one thing…your amazing solution isn’t going to work in the long run and I will just have spent another three months living like a maniac…”

I know this because I have had a wide experience in this thing. I have done the usual stuff like no carbs, high protein diets; I have worked out and lost weight; I have joined 3 insanely expensive weight management programmes that sell you the complete package to lose weight and in reality only end up sucking you dry of self esteem, energy and money; I have done yoga consistently and also done special breathing exercises called pranayama and in varying degrees they all work. For then. And then we hit rock bottom again. I have seen a lot of doctors about this thing. Was a time when everyone I met was convinced I had a thyroid malfunction. Everyone except the doctor, that is. And so it goes on and on.

But living with the problem is as troublesome as trying to get rid of it. People say it is a question of wanting to change. Really? Just that? Wow! So that’s why I haven’t managed to nail it in the past. I get it. 8 years of trying in different ways. Probably didn’t want it, huh?

And the irony is rampant in our lives. Have you ever been to a restaurant and tried to order food? I have. It is to me that the waiter addresses questions like “Would you like something else?” “Will that be all?” and “How about some of our wonderful desserts?” You moron!! You are not helping!! Have you tried to help yourself at a buffet table? I often have people come up to me and say things like “Are you sure that’s all you want to have?”. Yes I am sure. Just because I am huge it doesn’t mean I can eat the equivalent of my weight in food at every meal, ok?

And so when I wake up in the morning and look outside, I wonder, what will be new today? In what way will I be amused people’s reaction to me? What new humiliation lies in wait today? Will it be just another day, or will someone else talk to me about the new revolutionary diet? Will I meet someone today who can see it from my side? Will today be the day I get through to my family and friends? And then I finish the reverie, shrug and smile- “Not bloody likely!” but while we are at it, let’s find it in our hearts to smile and laugh, eh? So what if we only do it at ourselves? Ha ha!